I’ve been meaning to write a pregnancy update post for a while. I’ve kinda put it off because I don’t feel like there’s a lot to update. Like I’ve said before…I’m also not really the sentimental type that is trying to savor every moment of pregnancy. In fact, I’m really the opposite.
And that’s the real reason why I’ve put off writing this post…because I sound so cynical. That’s because I am. Part underlying pessimist. Part realist. Lots of sarcasm which is usually transformed into honest humor about this entire process.
It doesn’t matter how many friends you talk to about pregnancy, how many books you read, or how much unsolicited advice you unwantedly garner along the way (this is a real and serious problem some people have, BTW)—nothing prepares you for pregnancy and how you will feel while you’re going through it. I wasn’t prepared for how frustrated I’d feel about my social life changing, how I’d eventually become perpetually uncomfortable no matter how I’m sitting/laying or what I’m wearing, or how awful I’d feel about my body changing. That being hungry all the time would supremely piss me off. Or that’d I’d cry about thinking about these things and then get worried I’m making my baby sad or distressed. Pregnancy does stupid things to your brain.
Seriously, if I didn’t have such a positive and supportive husband I’d be a goner. Kyle is convinced I am going to miss feeling baby kicks once she’s born. Obviously, I stubbornly disagree.
I haven’t kept people updated regularly without them asking because I feel silly taking bump pictures, even though everyone and their mother seemingly love to see them. Plus I have a hard time refraining from the brutally honest truth. All my updates about how I’m feeling are the same sugar-coated tune about feeling fine yet ready to be done. If I told them the way I really feel it’d be something like…
“Well I can’t really sit on my couch anymore since I have a bowling ball in my abdomen that prevents me from breathing in most positions. There is really no amount of time I’m awake that I don’t feel like I need to pee. I don’t like walking in dresses or low-hanging sweatpants now that my thighs awkwardly rub together because that is apparently where all my maternal breastfeeding fat stores are hanging out—but dresses are the most comfortable clothing option to wear so, lucky me. Personal hygiene is a real treat these days and sometimes when baby moves it make me want to puke. I also really want a bottle of champagne. But other than that…I’m doing great!”
I’m certain the updates Kyle gives to his family paint a much more graceful picture of my general mood and impatience. My sisters and closest friends get the real deal. It’s probably a great form of birth control.
But being honest, I do have some positive thoughts about going through pregnancy. Even though I’m scared shitless of having to go through labor (and not only labor, but the whole recovery process from pushing a human out of your body, which I don’t think many people consider the likely agony of that part), I’m fairly certain that once I deliver a baby I will feel like I can do just about anything. Except play softball, I’ll probably never be very good at that. Growing and pushing out a human is pretty badass and makes me have a new respect for any woman who has done it.
On that note, there is really something to be said about bringing a new life into the world. The human body is a seriously amazing organism. (Here you thought I was going to get sentimental on you.) The fact that we can actually GROW human beings is pretty mind-blowing when you think about it long enough. Like, one day you’re one person and the next day you’re two people. I keep thinking about the day when baby girl will be born, and how freaking weird it is going to be to hold a person that was living inside me. I call her an alien for a reason. There is the obvious literal reason of a squirming baby getting ready to emerge, but because this whole process is so alien I can hardly even stand it sometimes.
So maybe I will get a little sentimental…I’m super excited to be bringing a new life into our family. It’d be weird if I weren’t. Coming from someone who didn’t always want to have children, it’s a feeling you can’t really describe until it hits you. To explain what I mean—you tell your family and friends that you’re pregnant and everyone says ‘OMG having kids is the best thing in the world.’ And all I can think is ‘DUH. Having kids is awesome, why the hell else would people do it.’ But then somewhere in the eternity that is 9 months, when you see other babies and know you’re growing one of your own, you realize, ‘Oh yea, this is pretty cool. Now I get why everyone was so damn excited.’ And when my siblings and friends have babies I’ll probably be starry-eyed like all those other parents I used to think were buffoons for stating the obvious.
There are a lot of things giving me a new appreciation on life and relationships these days. This post was actually written earlier in the week, when I was home off work because my grandfather recently passed away. Living long distance from family is a choice Kyle and I have both made for our future, but I can’t lie that in times like this, it’s really hard. I wanted so badly to go back for the funeral, and had a trip coordinated with Kyle and my sister. But after consulting my doctor, he strongly advised against traveling at 35 weeks pregnant. Especially a 17 hour road trip to Wisconsin. In hindsight it was a little ambitious, but that made me even more sad than I was in the first place. It’s been so long since I’ve been back to Wisconsin and seen much of my extended family. And, since I’ve seen my dad. The whole thing was a lot for me to handle and made me super stressed out—which really isn’t something I need when going into labor is becoming a real potential situation.
I’ve talked about the strained relationship with my dad before, and until this week I’d been pretty firm on the ‘out of sight, out of mind’ approach to coping with him. In the flood of Facebook updates dedicated to Grandpa came a picture from Christmas last year of the whole family together. In the picture were two old men in wheelchairs. One was my grandpa, and the other was my dad. It was the first time I ‘saw’ my dad in a year and a half, and he looked like he’d aged 40 years. It was pretty unbelievable. Between grandpa passing and being so close to being a parent myself, I’m just looking at a lot of things differently. Even though we have a long journey ahead of us as parents to a newborn, I’m starting to have a different appreciation and attitude towards family—Dad in particular. I can’t control all the poor decisions he’s made in his life, but at the end of the day he is still my dad, and that has a different meaning in itself.
Cue the pregnancy waterworks and the wrapping up of this post. It’s ironic how big of a joyous miracle bringing a child to the world is supposed to be for how much I’ve cried during pregnancy.
I think this about sums it up, anyway. We are 35 weeks and 3 days today. Which means only 3 weeks left!
If you think I can’t do math, you’re wrong. 3 weeks is a lot easier to look at than 5 weeks, so we’re all just going to pretend that’s where we’re at until the 3 week mark is actually here. I appreciate you minding my illogical rationale.
This will likely be the last update until our daughter is born, so stay tuned. (Will that ever be a normal thing to say?)