To ‘Forgive’ Might Mean ‘Let Go’

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This may be one of the most personal posts I’ve ever written, and will ever write. I can’t come up with anything else to say at this point, and what are we if we aren’t being honest? This real and raw and candid, and what I feel I need to talk write about right now. Talking about my problems with people has always been a stress outlet for me, and writing feels the same way.

My father is an alcoholic.

The last few years have been a great struggle as he’s emotionally brought my family down to the bottom of the bottle with him. Most recently another dip in the roller coaster I’ve been riding and I don’t feel like renewing my membership to the ‘lets treat my family like crap’ theme park.

Although I’m writing this in a state of frustration and fury, I should preface that my dad is not necessarily a bad person. He has not been a ‘good’ person the last few years, but he is not inherently bad. In fact, for most of my life, he was a really, truly great person. But he’s now casting a shadow fairly opposite of that.

His addiction is enough to make a daughter cut ties with her father for good.

The almost sadder part of this story is my father also has cancer. It has been up in the air whether his poor health is from an actual disease or his addiction to pain medication, vodka, or other things unknown. In the last few years my dad’s addictions has worsened. Not so coincidentally, he is always extremely healthy and ‘in remission’ when he is not drinking or taking pain medication. But every time the roller coaster dips, the fall gets steeper. Every.time.

I don’t say this trying to be spiteful, but it is very hard to sort out ones feelings about a person who has ‘cried wolf’ on their health and sobriety so many times only to land in rehab AGAIN. And then go back to lies and mean words and frustration AGAIN.

I have tried to stick it out and be a ‘good daughter.’ But how good of a person can you be to someone who hurts you emotionally and is verbally abusive?

Is it wrong to want to cut someone from your life who treats you this way? No matter the circumstances?

I understand that addiction is not an easy to overcome. He has plenty of support from family at home. He has sober friends and access to support groups. I’ve come back to support him several times. But no one deserves to be treated poorly for having done nothing but support in the best way they can. Maybe to some I am giving up which isn’t the definition of ‘the best I can,’ but I argue that I have done the best I am possibly capable of doing.

Letting people get the best of your emotions is not good. It’s not healthy. It’s not something you should just ‘deal with.’

Being angry over another person’s actions only brings you down. Me, personally, I lose focus and motivation for much of anything. And I make myself sick. And I stress eat. I’ll let my angry feelings fester and all I think about it how upset I am…and it’s a pretty vicious cycle. I spent my entire day yesterday feeling like shit.

I am emotionally drained.

I TRY not to think about it.

It’s also not an easy to shut emotions off.

The only way I can deal with it is to cut communication. It is easier to feel a little bit of guilt for not talking to your father than it is to listen to him be negative, hurtful, spiteful, and mean. An apology can only go so far.

Just recently, my Daily Devotions app gave me just what I needed to read.

A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength. – Proverbs 17:22

It encourages thinking of good memories from a person instead of the pain they have caused.

I can promise myself to do my best. But I’ll have to block him out to let it go. I hope one day I’ll be able to forgive and maybe I can tell him that. I’ve come close before, but that day is now again far away.

I can’t handle anymore this negativity.

Being HAPPY is HEALTHY and I don’t want to waste anymore time doing anything but that.

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